Obliger parents can also use the desire to be good role models for their children to serve as external expectations. Obliger-Rebel. The Four Tendencies is a fascinating look into how you respond to and meet expectations; for you and for others. Out of all the tendencies, they usually get along with other tendencies the best. I’ve been there too, and have come out the other side. People fit squarely into one of the four tendencies. The Four Tendencies Quiz - The Four Tendencies Quiz One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want?” The Four Tendencies framework makes this task much easier by revealing whether a person is an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. They don’t have self-protection systems: Obligers don’t protest against expectations they know are unfair until Obliger-Rebellion hits them, and that’s when they’ll suddenly quit without warning…. We all face two kinds of expectations: - outer expectations, such as meeting work deadlines or observing traffic regulations, and I’ve been enjoying Gretchen Rubin’s books since my oldest daughter (also named Gretchen) gave me The Happiness Project (Revised Edition): Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun several years ago. Gretchen Rubin (she/her) is a best-selling author, speaker, podcaster, and creator of the Four Tendencies framework. When external expectations align with their internal expectations, they get to live their best lives. When I read the description of the term for the first time last month, it immediately clicked for me. Expectations are things we act on, or not. Upholder-Obliger. But if that same Obliger has an internal expectation to get in shape, they’ll never make it to the gym without someone or something else they’re beholden to. When an expectation comes from the outside – a boss, a friend, a coach, a teacher, a family member, a client, a colleague – Obligers will respond. For example, an Obliger might assume that their partner expects them to wash the dishes, even if the partner has never said or suggested anything of the kind. According to Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies Quiz, I am an Obliger. Sign up for a free trial here. Everyone falls into 1 of 4 personality types and knowing yours could make you happier and more successf “I’ll do anything you ask, until I won’t.” said the Obliger. Rubin offers an example of a person who woke up one morning and knew she couldn’t continue to hold up her marriage of 18 years, and announced, without warning, that she wanted a divorce. REBEL? This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The Four Tendencies" by Gretchen Rubin. The Four Tendencies framework “distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (a deadline, a ‘request’ from a sweetheart) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).” Questioner-Upholder. I’ll cement these plans by following up with encouragement or a simple “looking forward to it” message to keep the commitment top of mind and to let her know I’m counting on her. If you enjoyed this article and would like to stay connected, sign up for my email list here. Phoenix, AZ 85048. If they get too burnt out or the expectations are too high, Obligers can go into Obliger-Rebellion mode, where they suddenly, without warning, refuse to meet any expectations: everything’s fine until it absolutely isn’t. Like this article? I listen to Rubin’s podcast (Happier) and subscribe … The Questioner. Obligers readily respond to external expectations, but not internal expectations. Use other external expectations to push you say no to certain things: saying no to this thing allows you to say yes to another thing, or saying no to this allows someone else the opportunity to do it. This is the difference between Upholders and Obligers: Upholders strike a balance between meeting their own internal expectations and meeting others’ external expectations. Then, because Obligers have difficulty delegating or saying no, they get burnt out. If you have ever felt like you put other's needs before your own goals, this is a must-listen! Instead of loose plans, next time we’ll make concrete plans. He reads broadly, covering a wide range of subjects including finance, management, health, and society. Your email address will not be published. However, Obligers can use their dependence on external expectations to motivate them to fulfill their internal expectations. They make great leaders, team members, family, and friends because of their reliability and dedication to others. Upholders do a better job of taking care of themselves, and doing things they want to do, whereas Obligers can start to feel like the only people they’re taking care of are other people. If was a lovely outing and we made loose plans to meet for yoga again. Sandra helps them discover a new vision of the future and follow through on their ideas with enthusiasm and confidence. They do what they want to do in the … Because Obligers consistently do what others ask of them, others often take advantage of this and ask more from Obligers than other people — which can create resentment in Obligers while they still attempt to fulfill the expectations. With a diverse background that spans more than three decades, Sandra combines her educator’s perspective, business acumen, life coaching skills, and everything she’s learned along the way to help her clients make bold moves that advance them forward in their careers and in their lives. Obliger Tendency (from The Four Tendencies). Allen graduated from Harvard University summa cum laude and attended medical training at the MD/PhD program at Harvard and MIT. For this reason, Obligers, more than any other tendency, gain the most out of learning about their tendency. The Four Tendencies: An Obliger’s Story. [04:55] The Upholder [05:23] The Questioner [05:55] The Obliger [06:25] Most fall into the “Obliger” category [06:35] The Rebel [07:20] Well-known personalities that fall into the 4 tendencies [07:35] Taylor Swift – Upholder (These Obligers most likely tip Upholder. If you identify as a Questioner, you probably have no trouble … The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin aims to pinpoint our response to expectations, both from the outside world and to ourselves. Sandra is a business and life coach who specializes in helping clients who are craving a change but feel stuck where they are. Shortform summary of "The Four Tendencies", Master Your Emotions: The Secret Source of Power, Anchoring and Adjustment Bias: Estimating Unknowns, Homeopathy Doesn’t Work: Stories From Tara Westover’s Educated, Know How to Tell When Someone Is Lying? You feel stuck and have no idea what to change or where to start. If you want to get into more detail, then technically, people fit into one of 8 primary-secondary combinations: Upholder-Questioner. Obliger Tendency Everything / Mindset and Motivation In Gretchen Rubin’s latest book, she dives into more detail about each tendency of her personality framework, The Four Tendencies, which inspired me to do a series with what the Four Tendencies have brought to my life and my coaching practice. According to Gretchen Rubin, Obligers who tip Rebel dislike external expectations but still meet them, and get resentful about others having expectations for them. And it doesn’t help that other tendencies, who have an easier time doing what they want to do and resisting the expectations of others, tend to judge Obligers for their incapability to meet internal expectations.
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